Summer Beauty Tips!

Well, I don’t know about you, but Memorial Day weekend screams summer time kick off. Time for spray tans, landing strip waxings and good ol’ anal bleaching! Yes, it’s time for women to strip, tan and brighten.

(pause)

Or not.

Ok, I’ve come to realize I scored on the age I grew up in. The age after fire and the wheel were invented. I think about how much has changed regarding changing our  bodies.  No, I’m not going on a feminist rant where I say, “Accept your body and wear whatever you please.” I still abide by the rule of,  “Just because they make it in your size does not mean you should wear it.”

I have a 9 year old daughter. Hence, the rant that follows.

Let’s look at summer. My childhood babysitter was the ocean. We grew up without sunscreen (not good) but also without G-Strings (good). You lived in a bikini all of the summer, and only covered up in shorts or a wrap skirt. As crazy as it seems, very few kids were obese. We moved our bodies all-the-time.  EVERYONE went through the awkward teen years, some skipped the brutal part.

Boobs. Sure we all wanted BIGGER boobs, but how nice that it was not a surgical option?  Perfect-Fake-Tits would have been hard to resist. The other day a friend posted on how she mowed the lawn braless, and after she removed her shirt later she realized she had enough lawn clipping under her boobs to fill a Glad Lawn and Leaf Bag.  She’s my hero because 1. She’s funny and 2. She’s got real boobs that she accepts, lawn clipping or not. Now I will be clear, if you really want fake boobs, it’s your body, your ego, go for it. I’m not clear on the message it sends out there to boys and girls,  A. Boys expecting perfectness and, B. girls wanting to provide it for said boys, but hey, it’s my job as a parent to inform my kid so, have at it perfect C cup. I just want to say most men I talk to over the age of 24 like real boobs of all sizes.

OK, so let’s move on to anal bleaching. Once, just a porn industry secret, now I’m getting Groupons for it. There used to be a funny little line women would joke amongst themselves, “I can’t believe I shaved my legs for that loser.” Now, fast forward to, “I can’t believe I bleached my anus for that loser.” Ok,  for the sake of an arguement, maybe bleaching your anus IS a good idea for the new dating scene. I just know my husband would complain about the cost same as he complains about my rationalizing buying a pancake pan, “What? You can’t flip a pancake?” Which also begs to ask, “Is an anal bleaching technition job really something you want your kid to aspire too?” I save my ass for one person (no, not my husband) my gyno. End Scene.

Let’s talk about shoes. Mark was driving with me the other day and made a comment to me, “Wow, I can’t believe there are still hookers on Lincoln Blvd.” Uh, Mark, those are high school girls, see, they just walked onto Samo High campus. Enter hyperventilating SFX as he goes into a panic attack thinking of his own, soon-to-be 10 year old daughter, dressing like a stripper in Algebra 1. and can I just ask about the mad appeal of these shoes?

These are stripper shoes. The only thing missing is a plexiglass heel. I won’t be a hater. I know The Real Housewives of Everywhere own dozens, but come on, in school? Or for that matter, during the day? To me, the line of dressing for girls has been so blurred.

Air brush tans. Raising hand! Love them. Granted, don’t get crazy, but like they say, “if you can’t tone it, tan it.” my motto.

So to wrap this entry I think teens have so many choices nowadays that we never did. I’m glad I didn’t. So much less to think about. I hope my daughter, at least from my rants, is a little open minded about it all. Right now she’s a good-ol-tomboy and I’m perfectly happy.

Stay tuned.

ETA: I don’t care whether you breast fed, bottle fed, gave birth, or ran marathons. Boobs sag. Just like nuts sag and when’s the last time you heard of a mon going in for  testical implants?

Just sayin……