Dial me up!

Ok, I get it, it’s hard for teens, but for the love of MAUD, they have been preparing for this since they held their first iPhones in their little baby paws. Snapchat, IG, Tik Tok, FaceTime, Texting……. Now can you imagine in the 70’s, 80’s,…… an entire family fighting over one FREAKING phone line with NO call waiting and attached to a cord! Rant over.1*r4Thddn7jx3gbQQG1pa4Dw

Momclown observations on Corona Virus 2020:

  1. Who’s getting the last laugh on My 600# Life? Enough fat to outlive us all, and new svelte figure to look forward to.
  2. Hoarders are now cool new friends. Whatcha got in there?
  3. No canned soup on shelves equals a generation of people who do not know how to make it. Chicken broth, noodles, chopped carrots. You’re welcome.
  4. Dream job is the gas station attendant behind the 3″ plexiglass.
  5. Saying, “wash your hands” to adults as much as you used to tell your kids growing up.
  6. Parents more afraid of being home with their kids when schools close, then Corona virus.
  7. Walking into Target for essentials to live and spending forty-five minutes trying on bras and picking a taupe eyeshadow.
  8. Bringing home frozen food and Stove Top stuffing for your family, AFTER you ordered Thai Shrimp Fried Rice take out for yourself, and ate in car.
  9. Pretty much getting all your medical info from Facebook from, “A friend of a friend.”
  10. Having people say, “It’s not funny” and realize, buying 96 rolls of toilet paper…. is pretty funny.

Plug It Up.

M1-M2-BOXES-WEB05202015“The DivaCup empowers women to connect with their bodies and menstrual cycles like never before”


Ok, it’s been awhile. Here ya go. Enter at your own risk.

Let’s go back, back in time to that scene in Carrie where she starts her period in the shower. Are ya with me? Bleeding from her lady parts and freaking out. Circled by a squad, of Queens Bee’s shouting, “Plug It UP, Plug it up!

And there you have it. A girl’s entry into The Red Tent, menstruation,…… hell.

Oh, sure, I’m part of the new age where women are learning to embrace it. We’re learning to tell our new “Moon Maidens” (yes, I said, “Moon Maidens”) that they’re special, that we have something men will never have, an ability to create a life force, a cleansing, we are in touch with the cycles of the tides………..

And then we also have 12-year-old daughters who look up from their IG account and fake vomit in their hands when you tell them, “Target sells Diva Cups honey, isn’t that cool?”

We all have our, “First Period Story”. In fact, when I’ve actually asked women they are more than happy to recall it. Every. Little. Detail. My own story is pretty basic. My mom was on her way back from Vegas. I told her on phone. She comes home with a GIANT box of Kotex and a “belt” to attach. Are you kidding me? For Fuck sake, these things were the size medics used to soak up abdominal shrapnel injuries in the Viet Kong. Clearly my mom did not, for one second, consider my wardrobe of Dolphin shorts and crocheted bikini bottoms. My guess is she thought I would hole up in my room for a week playing Janis Ian and wearing a wrap around skirt? But, what was a 7th grader to do? There were no aisles in Target dedicated to 100 varieties of products, hell, there was no Target for that matter.

But, pads it was, for a bit. So I’ll touch briefly. Clearly invented by men or sister wives. I’ve had women tell me they lost pads at RUSH concerts. It was there, then…….gone? WTF? NO belt, no double-sided tape, no pad after a few hours. I can only imagine the clean up crew finding a few on the ground thinking, “Gross, and where the fuck did that come from?” Oh yea, nothing like the feeling of a maxi pad crawling up you ass crack.

Tampons. A gift from the Gods. But, how was a virgin to use? And the choices? Well pretty much 2 were offered. One was called OB. No cardboard rocket launcher. Just insert and push. Push? How far? Raise your hand if you had an OB stuck halfway in and out because its super absorbency started to suck up every vital lubricant needed to “push it up toward your cervix”. Cervix? WTF? Ok, so move to Tampax. A little better, ok, much better, but who’s idea was it to make the top flat? Kudos for it being cardboard and not plastic. My first time? The girls bathroom, second floor, Emerson Jr. High. My BFF at the time (not a virgin) gave me one and said, “You can do it”. I did. My life changed from that moment on.

Fast Forward to being the mom of a tween. I’ve heard that most girls are keeping it to themselves. My guess, until they all are “in the club” it’s awkward. My kid pretty much has been reading about “Women’s Health” for a few years, she’s either going to be an OB, nurse practitioner in a free clinic, or saving sea turtles by age 25. She’s had her first “kit” I supplied her since age 7. I imagine it’s collecting dust in some drawer. I can tell you I’m not planning a party, howling at the moon or making her a mix tape. NOT that there’s anything wrong with it, but my kid would roll her eyes and run screaming.

Yep, she’s my girl, like it or not.




Misconceptions that irritate the HELL out of the parents of an only child.

large-traditional-family4Lord, where do I begin? First, bravo on your large family. I can relate. Came from a blended family of six myself. Fast forward to years of infertility and finally………. my child was born. My “only” child as most of you refer to her. The word “only” said with a slight question mark. “Oh, is she your “only” child?” Like I failed the mother earth child bearing contest. I quickly add I had a 36 hour unmedicated labor to boost my props, but usually a mother of five will top me with her hot tub, midwife, outdoor birth.

I digress.

Fast forward.

#1. “Oh, just one?”  

(see above paragraph)

#2  “Only chidren are spoiled and don’t know how to share”

No, as a matter of fact, my kid shares no problem. She learned through us, then learned more socially with her peers. it’s how you raise them. It’s called, P.A.R.E.N.T.I.N.G.

#3 “Only children are lonely”

I like to think of my daughter as independent. She can pick up a pencil and drawing pad and “entertain” herself. She has many friends and, at times, wants to come home and “chill alone”. Sure, I will not knock the beauty of siblings, but we are teaching her young to make friends and watch those relationships grow in “family”.

#4 “only children act like mini adults.”

This would be better worded, “Some adults act like kids“. We do not ask the opinion of our child in finance, marriage or adult content, but we will do a family 5 minute discussion on who’s crap is lying all over (That would be dad).

I could go on, but this is just a brief example to enlighten the clueless. I’m glad you have a couple kids. How perfect you “Got” your girl and boy as planned. Please don’t feel sorry for me with my one, anymore then you would pity the mom of six.

At least I can brag about my carbon footprint.